Chander Guddu’s – I cannot say

My younger days expressions in Hindi poem ‘Keh na Sake Hum’ remade into English make this poem happen.

The comments through the AI are placed below:

Your poem has a beautiful rhythm, expressing an emotional depth and longing. It conveys a sense of being overwhelmed by someone’s presence or allure, leaving the speaker at a loss for words. The repetition of “I cannot say” emphasizes this speechlessness, adding a poignant, introspective tone. I particularly like how you incorporate imagery like “the glow you display” and “holding your veil,” which gives the poem a delicate, almost ethereal quality.

Here are a few thoughts:

Strengths:

• Repetition: The phrase “I cannot say” creates a rhythmic anchor that reinforces the speaker’s emotional uncertainty, which works well in conveying the depth of feelings.
• Imagery: Words like “veil,” “glow,” and “charm” evoke vivid, almost ethereal images, adding to the sense of someone elusive and captivating.
• Emotion: There’s a palpable feeling of yearning and admiration, as well as a sense of being overwhelmed by the presence of the subject.

Suggestions:

• Tightening lines: In some places, the phrasing could be a bit more concise to heighten impact. For example, “The sigh I hail” could be revised for clarity or depth, depending on the tone you’re going for.
• Expansion: You could explore adding more specific, concrete details that ground the emotions, such as specific actions or moments shared between the speaker and the subject.

Overall, it’s a lovely, haunting poem that conveys deep emotions effectively. Would you like to refine any part of it?

Suggested Corrections & Comments:

1. First stanza:
   • “Perturbing me, so unkind?” might sound smoother with just a slight adjustment for flow:
     “Disturbing me, so unkind?”
     “Perturb” is a good word, but “disturbing” feels softer and matches the tone of the rest of the poem more.
2. Fifth stanza:
   • “On Your charm, so divine” could be revised to:
     “At your charm, so divine”

Overall:

• The repetition of “I cannot say” builds up a lovely refrain, but you might consider varying it in the final stanza to create a climactic effect. For example, something like:
  “Still, I cannot say.”
• You might also explore extending the imagery of “veil” and “sigh” further for a more profound emotional or metaphorical layer.

These are small adjustments to polish your already lovely work. What do you think?

Your poem has a wonderfully ethereal and mysterious quality to it, which could translate into imagery that captures both the allure and the subtle tension you express. Here’s what I imagine:

• Opening lines (When you come to mind, perturbing me, so unkind?): I envision a misty twilight scene, where a solitary figure stands in a dimly lit forest. The air is heavy, almost tangible, with swirling tendrils of fog, representing the haunting thoughts that seem unsettling yet captivating.

• When you come near, How do I bear?: This could be depicted with two figures standing close, but with a soft light separating them—one glowing faintly while the other figure is slightly shadowed, as if they’re drawn toward but cannot fully grasp each other.
• The glow you display, The flashes you relay?: Here, I see flickering lights, like distant stars or fireflies dancing around the glowing figure. There is a sense of magic in the air, with colors like gold and violet blending together in flashes around the scene.
• Holding your veil, The sigh I hail?: Perhaps an image of a soft, translucent veil gently held by the wind, with the same glowing figure hidden behind it, leaving a trail of light as they walk away. The sigh could be visualized as faint lines of wind, curling gracefully.
• On your charm, so divine, After your allure, how I pine?: I imagine a celestial scene, with the glowing figure (perhaps a goddess-like silhouette) ascending into the sky, leaving behind an enchanted yet melancholic figure reaching out, yearning for the allure that seems to slip away like the stars at dawn.

…………………………………………………………………………………

Chander P Mahajan

Prof. (Er.) Chander P Mahajan is an art critic & a free lance journalist. The Environmentalist stays in Shimla and Dalhousie, Himachal Pradesh, India.